


But It Was Alright.

by silver0wings



Category: Left 4 Dead (Video Games)
Genre: Child Abuse, Parent Death, Pre-Canon, Transphobia, tags will be added as updated, trans man ellis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 21:35:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14923250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver0wings/pseuds/silver0wings
Summary: Ellis's upbringing and early 20s weren't always the happiest, but it was alright. Really, really alright. Long as he had someone to hold onto, he could get through about anything.





	1. Six years old / Church Pews

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: misgendering (pre-coming out), period typical sexism

He was a little kid, always had been for his age, just as he had always had far more energy than he or his parents really knew what to do with. While other little kids all dressed up fancy for Sunday Church would sit quiet and nice, Ellis would wiggle and fidget, and ask when it was time to play outside. 

Outside way more fun than the pews. Outside had trees and rocks to climb, had clay that'd stain the silly dress his ma had put him in. It would look better orange than pink, anyways. When he climbed the pews, his ma would always yell, saying that the Lord would be ashamed. The Lord would be mad. 

The Lord wasn't here, and Ellis had recently learned that adults don't actually have eyes in the back of their heads, so he didn't see the fuss in having fun. 

But if he got up, his daddy would glare, would say "good girls do what the Lord wants, or their momma's cry and their butts get beat." Ma cried all the time, usually over the papers that came in the mail. This one time, he'd tried to cheer her up, draw her some pretty pictures over the numbers, over the late fees on payments he was way too young to understand. It didn't really go over as planned. 

Ma was also always sick, always going to the doctors. That's why they went to Church every Sunday, she said. The doctors weren't fixing her, but the Lord would. Ellis took this as truth; the Lord fixed problems in the preacher man's stories, so he should fix ma too. 

He still didn't want to sit still, though. 

It was so hard to be still! He could see his best buddy Keith a few rows down, and it didn't help that Keith kept making faces at him every time he looked up, and the two of them would have to try not to laugh. It seemed Keith's parents, and his two big brothers, also wanted him to sit still, because they kept making him turn back around and sit straight.

Soon as the preacher man was done babbling on and on about his stories - how come he got to tell stories? Everytime Ellis told stories, people wanted him to be quiet. Maybe he'd grow up to become a preacher, - him and a bunch of the other kids all bolted towards the church's yard. The place was big and grassy, and as long as they kept off the flowers they mostly were allowed the run of the place. 

Before his feet even touched dirt, he was scooped up and against his daddy's chest. "Oh nooo you don'! Your momma worked hard to clean up that dress after last time, you can play inside with the other girls." Ellis whined, but didn't fight it, just plopping his head onto his daddy's shoulder. He didn't get what the fuss was about. He wanted to play in the dirt, and all the boys got to play in the dirt. He could be a boy if it meant playing in the dirt. He didn't like dresses much anyways, it was hard to climb trees in them.

He didn't go to play with the girls inside, they never did anything he wanted to do. They didn't like hearing about how one time he ate a worm. They didn't want to play with him, either, since he was 'weird' and 'too loud', so Ellis didn't bother going to see what they were doing. He just sat, pouting on a pew as the adults had their social mingling. His cheeks felt hot and wet, knees up on his chest and head down. 

"Brough you some mud." Ellis looks up, met with a big goofy smile that's missing two teeth from an incident with a football, and big blue eyes that always twinkled with trouble. It was hard to tell what on Keith was a freckle, and what was dirt, because he had plenty of both. In his hands is a big glob of anything it touched. Would be perfect for building a castle, or throwing at someone.

Even though he wasn't alone anymore, even though the two of them were playing with the little glob of mud and Keith was happy to listen to stories, Ellis was still sad. He still wanted to go outside and play, really play not the inside play his parents wanted him to do. Even inside with some mud wasn't the same. 

But it was alright. He had Keith.


	2. Eight years old / the Lord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Parental death.

Ellis didn't know what happened. 

Yesterday, his ma had made dinner, had tucked him into bed and read him a story. She'd kissed his forehead and said goodnight, and then she'd gone down the hall where Ellis knew she always wobbled and held the wall for support, and he had fallen asleep. 

It had been normal. 

But this morning wasn't normal. Normal mornings, he woke up and washed his face, and went down to where ma had made pancakes, or eggs, or bacon. Where daddy was sitting with his coffee and newspaper, and scolding the dog for begging for scraps. 

Today he'd washed his face and went down, but there was no breakfast. There was a box of cereal and a bowl out, not even a spoon. Daddy was laying on the couch, and ma was laying with her head on his lap. She looked like she was sleeping. 

He knew how much ma needed to rest, she rested all the time because she was sick. He quietly crept to the kitchen, made himself some cereal and ate, watching his daddy quietly cry and stroke ma's hair. 

He didn't know what happened when some people showed up, when ma didn't wake up. Daddy carried her out while she was still sleeping, and Ellis got up. 

"Ma doesn't like goin' out without her makeup, daddy! Daddy wait! You godda let ma get ready first..." He tugged at daddy's shirt, eyes filling right up with tears. 

Death wasn't a concept he understood or had experience with. It wasn't one his daddy had a way to explain, not to a child who hadn't lost so much as a pet goldfish in his life. Daddy didn't cry, though, men didn't cry in front of anyone but their wives, and his was gone. Not knowing what else to do, he makes Ellis let go and says, 

"Ma doesn't need her makeup... She's gonna go see the Lord, honey. The Lord's gonna take good care of her. Jus' go back inside, right? Jus' get dressed, go catch the bus for school. Daddy's godda..." He looks back where his wife was gently, peacefully settled to be taken to the funeral home. "Dammit, jus' go inside and go to school, alright? Daddy's busy." 

The snap had Ellis scrambled back inside, right up to his room. He didn't want to go to school, he wanted to know why ma hadn't woken up, why she had to go see the Lord. 

He didn't know what had happened. 

Ma usually made him change his outfit before going to school. He wasn't allowed pants, no, that would make boys look at his butt and that couldn't happen. He didn't get why boys would want to look at his butt, it wasn't all that exciting. 

But ma wasn't here to tell him no. And now daddy wasn't either. He had a pair of pants that Keith had snuck over, hand me downs that he'd outgrown. They were horribly ragged, holes in the knees and frayed hems, but Ellis put them on and loved them anyways. 

Ma usually would pack him lunch, but she wasn't here to do it for him. He looked through the kitchen and found a juice box, three pieces of chocolate that were leftovers from daddy's gift to ma, and a can of beans. That seemed like lunch, so it all went into his lunchbox and then out to the bus stop he went. 

Normally, Keith would wait at the corner for him on his bike, but today there was no Keith. He didn't like crossing the street alone, he was short and ma always said cars couldn't see him. He would be able to see the bus coming from where he was, though, so it would be fine if he waited for Keith. 

Keith didn't show up. 

He didn't know what had happened. 

Ellis waited, and waited. The bus didn't come, but he'd never been very good at telling time, so maybe he just thought it was longer than it really had been. The sun drags along the sky, and he sits down and picks at the grass between the cracks in the sidewalk. 

Where was the bus? Where was Keith? Why had ma had to go to the Lord? He had too many questions, and was alone, and bored and a little scared. Too many things had happened, and since the bus wasn't here, it must still be before school, meaning it had been a lot in just a few morning hours. 

He watches the cars drive by, and eventually gets hungry. He realizes he hadn't brought a can opener, so he just eats the chocolates and then the juice, which tastes funny on account that the sweet chocolate was still in his mouth. 

There was a playground not too far away, and he wondered if he should go there. But then he'd miss the bus. 

Maybe the driver had trouble getting up that morning. He often had trouble, maybe the driver's ma hadn't been there to wake him up, maybe his ma was going to see the Lord too, like Ellis's. Was it mothers day? Did mas go and see the Lord on mothers day?

He's hungry again, which is really weird. The bus hadn't come, so it was before school, which meant it wasn't even lunchtime yet. The sun being high in the sky was really weird, usually it didn't do that until the afternoon, but he guessed maybe it was that daylight savings thing his teachers had talked about. 

If he goes home and gets a can opener, he might miss the bus. So he sits, and waits, and uses a stick to draw on the sidewalk the best he can, wishing he had some chalk instead. 

Finally he sees the bus coming. 

Running has always been one of his favorite things, right up there with snakes and dirt and cars. He's fast, and already at the stop when the bus stops. The door swings open, and he starts to get in, but people are getting out!

"Hey what're y'all doin'? S'pose to get _on_ the bus," he elbows and nudges his way through the people who give him funny looks, ignoring the way a couple of them laugh.

Before he could get all the way inside, the driver yells, "Keith! What have I said about opening the back door?" 

"But it _is_ an emergency!" The argument ends there, as Ellis catches a blur of red curls jump out the emergency door. Well, there goes his reason for wanting in the bus in the first place, school wasn't worth going to if his buddy wasn't there. 

He stops fighting to get inside the bus, instead running to the back where Keith had hopped out and quickly catching up to him a little way down the street.

"There you are!" And Ellis is wrapped up in a bit hug by his friend, and he hugs right back. The two of them had always been clingy, and after such a weird day he really needed the hug. "You weren't waitin' at the corner this mornin'!" 

"I've been waitin' all day!" He pulls back enough to look at Keith who was a little taller, with rounder cheeks and a real worried look. "I kept waitin' but the bus never came, not 'til now anyways. You wouldn't believe what happened this mornin'!" 

The two walk back to Keith's house instead of Ellis's, and he tells how he woke up and his ma was asleep, and he had to make his own breakfast, then daddy took ma out because she had to see the Lord, and he had to pack his own lunch which didn't turn out really good. He finishes with, "I really hope she's back from seein' the Lord in time for dinner, was s'pose to make burgers tonight..." 

Keith looks sad, and grabs Ellis for another hug. 

He didn't know what had happened. Didn't know why Keith was crying, but he started crying too. He didn't know why his ma had to see the Lord, or why daddy was so upset. He was hungry, and sunburnt from waiting on the bus all day when he had missed it in the first place, and tired and a little upset he'd wasted the whole day. 

But it was alright. He had Keith.


	3. Nine years old / Treasure Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning: child abuse, misgendering (pre-coming out).

Daddy didn't like a lotta things anymore, not since ma had passed away and gone to live with the Lord. He didn't like helping with school, or talking really, and sometimes Ellis would wonder if daddy maybe just didn't like him, or if he was going to go away like ma did because he was so unhappy.

But he liked footbball, and beer, but Ellis wasn't allowed to like either of those, because they're for boys. Daddy really didn't like it when he inturrupted football, especially not when there were four empty beer bottles on the coffee table like there was today.

He really didn't want to talk to him, anyways. He had better plans than being yelled at. Today he was going over to Keith's house. 

It wasn't all too far a walk, and he was _nine_ , he wasn't a baby anymore, he could go out alone just fine. He'd been to Keith's a lot anyways, it was better than being at home, even if Keith's dad yelled at them when he got home because of all the mud in the house. 

He shuts the door with a quiet click, and sighs down at his dress. Daddy didn't like him wearing pants, same as ma had when she'd been alive, so he didn't have any here. He really, really didn't like dresses, but he didn't like being yelled at either. 

The walk isn't a long one. Keith lives just around the corner, past the mean looking dog that always barked and the stump of a tree that used to be fun to climb until someone cut it down, his house right outside the trailer park Ellis lives in. He walks right on up to the blue door with chipping paint, and buzzes the bell, same as he's been doing for months now. There wasn't a car in the driveway, so that probably meant Keith's parents and oldest brother were out, which was good news for fun and games. 

The door opens, and the set of eyes that looks down at him aren't Keith's sky blue, they're green and attached to someone three or four years older, Ellis can never remember which. Paul was the middlemost child of the family, and arguably the one that liked Keith's antics the least. 

Paul lets the door hang open, stepping side, groaning and raising his voice, "Keith, your friend's here!" 

"Which friend?" Keith was just as loud as Paul, possibly more so. The fact that he didn't come running meant that he was likely getting into something he shouldn't have been. 

"You only got like, one of the damn things," Paul rolled his eyes, going over to a stack of books and homework. He was at fault for Ellis and Keith learning some fun new teenager words before they should have - fuck and shit happened to be Ellis's favorites, at least this week. 

Ellis wasn't about to bother Paul, though. Nah, the guy was always kind of a grump, probably because he pushed himself to do well in school more than anyone else in town. And besides, he had to figure out just what the hell Keith was so occupied with. 

He pushes open the door to Keith's room, the handle missing and a large hole through the bottom. And there's the man of the hour, fastening a nerf gun to the handle of a shovel with duct tape. It was a brilliant weapon. He takes one look at Ellis, dropping his project and moving towards his dresser, "you ain't gonna go muddin' in that are you?" 

Ellis grins, catching the pair of ratty jeans and t-shirt, and wasting no time changing right there on the spot. "Nah, jus' godda put up with daddy, y'know? Knew you'd have my back." He's got to cuff the pants to keep from tripping over the edges, but that's a small price to pay for comfort. He'd change back before heading home, just like always, to avoiding making daddy mad. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. 

Keith was lucky to have parents that didn't care what he wore, Ellis thought as they headed with the shovel-gun to the yard. There were already lines drawn in the dirt where they planned yesterday where to build a fort, and a mote, and a secret bunker and about twelve other things. 

"Hey El!" Before he could reply, he got hit with a mudball and started laughing. "Get your head outta the clouds man, we got work to do! Godda get this done before Paul notices what we're doin' and yells." 

"Yeah, yeah alright," Ellis wipes mud off his brow, and grabs a handful to throw back, running to hide behind a tree and skidding the last few feet into cover. It's an all-out mudball assault. 

There's no clear winner. There never is. Ellis said whoever got dirtiest won, Keith said whoever stayed the cleanest won. Either way, they were both caked in the stuff, which was plenty fine with them, it was like sunblock anyways. 

For a while they just dig and joke, an impressive hole right in the middle of the yard. It's all fun and games, and it's Keith's turn to have the shovel again, when-- 

**Thunk**

"The hell you do? Find another tree root?" 

"El, trees don' make metal clunk." He ditches the shovel, and brushes the dirt by hand, in absolute awe of what he's dug up, "c'mere, lookit this." 

Ellis slides right down the hole, ducking in front of Keith to knock his knuckles against the metal box. "Hooooly shit, we found a treasure chest!" 

"We? I found a treasure chest, you were sittin'!" Keith gives him a friendly shove, and then runs off to find a crowbar. Ellis stayed behind, making sure no pirate or anything ran off with their new found loot. Back and more than eager, the two of them get right to cracking the treasure chest open. 

"Aw damn, the hell?" Keith held the lid, and Ellis the flashlight, peering inside. "Smells real bad, gold don' rot, does it?" 

Ellis frowned, grabbing a stick and poking at the contents of the definitely not a treasure chest. "I don' think so, 's a metal, ain't it? Though this one time, this one time my daddy left a can outside of a while and it got all kinds of rusty, so maybe this is like that? Maybe 's just rust?" 

"Here hold this, think I see somethin'," Keith passes off the crowbar, and then reaches inside, coming up with a glop covered action figure. "I'll be damned, it's the red ranger I flushed forever ago! Paul whined so much, this is his." 

"Should wash it off, give it back to him. Sure he'll be grateful. Ain't nothin' else in here, though, not unless you want some more mud," Ellis eases the crowbar back so the lid sits mostly in the right place again. 

The red ranger really isn't ever going to be the same. It's gross even after a rinse in the hose, but well, maybe if Paul really loved it he'd take it back and be thankful. 

"The fuck." Admittedly, dropping the action figure onto Paul's sandwich wasn't the best course of action, but Ellis and Keith were both grinning like mad. "What. What is this? Why are you inside? You're fuckin' _disgustin'_ and that smell oh god-" Paul's face scrunches up and he gags as his finger rolls the ranger over. 

"It's your toy! The one I took for a swim," Keith picks it up like it wasn't still covered in crap, shoving it right in Paul's face, much to his older brothers horror. 

"We found it in the treasure chest that was all buried in the yard, lotta shit in there too, though," Ellis laughs and grabs Paul's sandwich, taking a bite because hey, why not. No sense in it going to waste. 

"The treasure chest all buried in the yard.." Paul repeats, lips moving slow and quiet, "The _septic tank._ Oh my god. You two are covered in sewage. You're- get out. Go. Take that, take everything- just go." 

Sewage covered and not understanding why their returned gift didn't go over so well, the boys returned to the yard, utterly defeated. Keith lays right down in the grass, and Ellis tucks himself halfway on top of him, the two looking up at the clouds. 

It's quiet, and peaceful, but also sticky and hot and smells bad. But it was good. This was how things were; Paul was a jerk, and didn't like them, and they were slowly learning that not everyone in the world appreciated heartfelt gifts, that not everyone was nice. 

But it was alr-

"ELLIOT!" The voice bellows, and a trunk door slamming punctuates it. 

"Shit, shit that's daddy he ain't gonna-" Ellis scrambles, trying to scrape some of the tried muck and Lord knows what else off his arms. Maybe he could get back inside and change before daddy saw him in pants and mud.

"Elliot! What in Christ's name are you doin' in all that? The fuck? Kissin' up to boys now? You ain't old enough for that, not on my watch. Ain' not daugher of mine gonna be smoochin'." Too late. 

"Daddy I ain- I wasn't- Keith's just- it ain't-" He fumbles and tears start to roll. Why'd daddy always have to make it about kissing? He just wanted to play in the mud! Just wanted to be like everyone else his age was, allowed to play how they wanted. 

"Elliot. It's time to leave." He pointed to his side, dark eyes with more fire and hate in them than Ellis had ever seen.

"But-" 

"Now." He doesn't dare look back at Keith, or hug him, or say bye. He doesn't have a clue what Keith thinks of any of this, doesn't know if he'll even want to be his friend after this. He gets right to daddy's side, where his hand was yanked and he was almost dragged back to the truck. 

He cried the ride home. He cried when he was told to take off Keith's tshirt and jeans, and told to hold still. He cried when daddy's belt hit his back. He cried when he washed himself off and couldn't move much without it hurting. He cried that night, alone in bed and scared, scared he would try and have fun again one day, and would get hit with the belt again. 

In the morning, he was silent, save for "yes daddy," and "of course daddy." He was silent making cereal, and packing himself a sandwich for lunch. Silent when he left to catch the bus, and on the walk there. He was silent when he reached the corner, and Keith was waiting on his bike. 

He was silent, but crying, when Keith hugged him so tight his bruises stung. 

But it was alright. He had Keith.


End file.
